Internal Conflict v/s Peace of Mind

The yelling from other side on the phone was growing word by word. My voice too ensuring a fitting reply in terms of the words and the high pitch of the sound.

It went for some time and both the sides disconnected the call, pressing hard the disconnect key. If it would have been the telephones used in earlier days, then there would have been a big bang of the receivers.

Now, the call ended but the verbal fight was still going on in the mind. Heart was not letting it go that easily.

Was shaking because of the shouting and taking deep breathes to get back to normalcy.

Then got engrossed in other things and forgot that instance happened early morning in the office.

In the evening, when walking back to home from office, again started thinking of the morning call.

I am not at all a kind of person who yells and shout, mostly known as and is a calm, soft-spoken guy.

Then why such sudden and drastic behavior change.

Is it because what he was talking was total shit and totally unacceptable, or putting a blame of something on me, which I am sure, I am not a part of or my own internal struggles made me behave in such way.

But whatever it may be — there was no reason, I should behave like that.

It was totally against of what I am as a person. I myself was getting irritated with such sudden outbursts.

We read so much about to control ourselves. Social media full of such advises from Buddha to Corporate Gurus to Stoicism or instances from epics like Ramayana, Mahabharata and many more.

But still can’t control.

I think the main and primary reason for this is — we are somewhere not able to do or achieve what we are aiming for in the life.

That unmet thing, somewhere inside us constantly telling us, you are lacking it, not done, making you a loser.

It will not let you to ‘be content with yourself’, to achieve the great self-control.

It lets your inner feeling out in such scenarios which otherwise are hidden deep in your heart. Your soft-spoken, calm nature remains just as a mask you put while facing the world.

So, how to control it?

Achieve what you want in your life by any means. But what if despite genuinely trying your best you are nowhere near to it.

Be content with what you have. But then it’s a compromise you make.

Or give up and be what you are and behave the way you want, thinking nothing can be changed.

Saying everything is destined and I can’t change it — easiest way…right?

Still not able to cope up with all these thoughts, but losing my mind over these despite I don’t want to.

A thought came to call that guy and apologize for my behavior. But ego came in between.

Also it will be like a defeat, it’s like you accepted the things which you don’t want to.

Got pissed off of all these stream of thoughts.

Reached home, still it’s going on there in mind.

Went to sleep with a question — should we let go our ego, our defeat, for the sake of the “peace of mind”? I think we should.

Vb