Getting Desperate

Few months back, I was down with high fever, all body pain and literally hallucinating.

Admitted in the hospital and discharged 2 days after. At home, everyone felt better that I am back.

Whole day some or other used to come and talk to me, sit with me discussing something or other.

But during nights, it used to get really difficult for me. As I was just resting whole day, I used to dose off for good 1–2 hours 1–2 times.

At nights it made me difficult to sleep. Till midnight, I still used to manage but between the late night and early morning, I used to feel restless.

A strange kind of feeling used to creep in, don’t know why but I desperately wanted the morning to come right now.

Its not that I have to get up and get ready for something, but still.

I was like, watching the time every now and then, the 60 seconds used to seem a lifetime to me.

I knew, whether I keep looking at the watch or not, it’s going to take the same time for the morning to come, but it didn’t stop my restlessness.

In other instant, I booked the cab to the airport, google maps shown 1 hour 25 minutes to reach. As we know, the technology suggests that time considering all the parameters like traffic, rush hours etc.

But a small halt at some place or coincidentally stopping at all red signals again take me to same restlessness.

I reach airport almost within the time, and I reach in time most of the times, then why the restlessness and that too always.

Is it because, we want the things to come to us breaking the time limitations. Or we get impatient for anything to achieve it at the earliest.

The above two are very small examples, but in real life, this happens every now and then.

I know and I am sold to — “whatever going to happen will happen and will happen at the pre-decided time only”, then why this miserable condition of self — every time.

Thought to meditate, tried more times, but there too can’t focus and couldn’t meditate, somehow I feel all those guys talking about meditation are liars. If I am not able to control the thoughts despite trying hard, how can one be. [I have great respect for those who meditate though].

Aren’t they worried about the daily things, train to catch, project to complete, bills to pay etc, then how can be their thoughts accompany them wile meditating.

Always, always some kind of anxiety, whether I will be able to reach on time, whether I will be able to make it or not, what will happen, so many questions.

But I would like to mention, by God’s grace, everything going well with few hiccups here and there. [God is great].

Then why? I really don’t have answers to this and there is one more desperation to find the answer to this.