Finding Peace in Struggles with God

Everyone in their respective lives is fighting, struggling for something. A few say they are constantly in conflict with themselves, destiny, or God.

I prefer saying God. When things are going well in my case, out of fear I try to cajole God.

How? I don’t forget to chant every morning. I visit temples on the decided days without fail.

I take his name for every good thing that happened in my life. I consider God everywhere along with me in that period.

But when something bad happens, I try to disown Him.

I still perform all the rituals – chanting, puja, visiting temples etc, but in my heart, I start a fight with God.

I keep saying to Him, that whatever I am doing – the puja, chanting etc, despite nothing happening as per my wish, is just because it’s a ritual for me and not out of any liking towards you.

The situation always doesn’t get better and then the relationship with Him gets stretched even more. It keeps going in that way.

Only He and I know about this fight. There is no non-violence in this, but one can’t imagine the mental chaos that goes into this.

Every minute, and second during that period, there is a tussle between Him and myself.

I keep saying, ‘Let me see how long you want to test me’, I see his kind, smiling face all the time in my mind. That face doesn’t show any other emotions.

During that phase, with whomever I interact with, and if something goes wrong because of anyone, I consider Him as the culprit. I say I know that you are playing all these games.

If things go too wild, I cry to myself but avoid giving in to Him.

That time I almost decided with myself that I would not bog down and let me see how far you can take it and how much I can bear with all that’s happening to me.

This happens to me every now and then. From a small thing of missing a bus or train to a severe one when I lost my job and was at home for some time.

The more severity, the more talk and discussion with Him.

But let me tell you one thing, deep in my heart I know one thing for sure, this is about to happen to me, and I can’t escape. God is there to support us and at the same time to test us.

But as a kid, who kept expecting from a mother and never felt that whatever she had done to us was not enough, the same feeling I have with God.

I keep expecting a lot from Him. He too, is like a kind mother who never accepts all the tantrums I throw, but accepts what is good for me.

Then finally something happens, which brings a smile to my face. And from that time, that fight stops.

I keep repeating the same rituals, this time without having any tussle with Him.

God is great.