The Fight With God

Everyone is fighting for something in their life, struggling in some way. Some people are constantly in conflict with themselves, with fate, or with God. In such times, I find myself fighting with God.
[Those who cannot fight with people usually end up fighting with God.]

When everything is going well, out of fear, I try to keep Him pleased.
How? I make sure not to miss my daily prayers. I visit the temple on scheduled days, and I never skip these rituals. Whenever anything good happens in my life, I take God’s name. During those times, I feel like God is with me, everywhere around me.

But when something goes wrong, when life starts to derail even a little, I try to shake off my connection with Him. Even though I continue all the religious rituals like chants, prayers, temple visits, but in my heart, a conflict with God begins.
I keep telling Him, “I’m still doing the prayers and chants, but not because you like it.”
I tell Him that all this is just a part of my daily routine, and nothing beyond that.

Things don’t improve immediately, and then the relationship with God stretches even further. This continues for many days.
This fight is just between me and my God. There’s no violence in it, but the turmoil inside is no less than violence, and it’s unimaginable.

During that time, every minute, every moment, there is a silent battle between me and Him.
I keep telling Him, “Let’s see how long you plan to test me,” and in my mind, I constantly picture His loving, calm face — a face that never seems to change expression.

During this period, no matter who I speak to or what goes wrong, I hold God responsible for it all. I tell Him, “I know, you’re the one orchestrating all of this.”

Sometimes when things get really tough, I cry alone — but I never give up in front of Him.
In those moments, I almost decide with myself: I won’t back down. Let’s see how much more You can stretch this, and how much I can endure. This keeps happening from time to time. Sometimes over trivial matters — like missing a bus or train — and sometimes over serious ones, like losing a job and having to stay home for a while.

The bigger the problem, the longer and deeper the argument with Him.

But there’s one thing I admit, deep down, I know whatever is happening is meant to happen.
I cannot separate myself from Him. I know God exists both to support me and to test me.

It’s like a child who always expects something from their mother, and whatever the mother gives is never enough and that’s how my relationship with God is.
I expect a lot from Him.
He, like a loving mother, doesn’t fulfil every whim, but He always gives what’s truly right for me.

And then a moment comes when something good happens, and a smile returns to my face. And just like that, the fight ends.
I continue doing all the same rituals again — but this time, without any bitterness toward Him.

Truly, GOD IS GREAT.